The Warrior and Queen is my Life.... - Part V-

{Continued from Part IV}

The moment my family went back home about 11pm, mama’s heart began beeping noisily, nurses and doctors began coming in and out of her room. Some of them were giving me haunting looks that gave so much meaning that I knew this was it … I called my brother and father and aunts and soon they were at the hospital again. The monitor and rollercoaster went on for 2 hours and soon my mom was stable again.. Since it was late, my brother and me dozed off sometime during the night.
 My aunts and dad left again for home.

At about 4am, my brother and I were awakened by the loud noise coming form the heart monitor. And the loud *teeettttttt* would forever be ringing in my head and my nightmares. Soon, doctors and nurses crowded the room… During the course my mom was at the hospital she signed a document that indicated she should not be resuscitate (DNR).  Knowing that this could be the end, I called my dad to come to the hospital. However he accidently left his phone at the hospital. After almost 2hours of calling we got through my cousin who was in sungapore at that time who called his mom (who was at my house) of the situation and by then it was the end . The sound of that *teeetttttt* was so deafening that I stood frozen from shocked.  The only thing I could think and muster the strength to do was message my close families and inform what had happened and called my husband. From what I could remember, all I wanted was my husband to be there with me. And thank god my brother was there, as I was frozen with shock. Since it was an office day, everyone tried their best to rushed to the hospital. Soon, families, friends and people that I don’t recognize and I haven’t seen in ages, flooded the hospital corridors. Soon news of my mom passing flooded and circulated on Facebook and friends and families near and far knew of the news.

It felt like forever for my husband to reach me. And soon my aunts (my moms and dads side), my dad, my grandma (my mom’s adopted mom) and close families were at the hospital. Since the hospital was equipped to do what’s necessary to get my mom “ready” to meet her maker. We took care of all the preparation at the hospital itself. Soon after we drove back home, bringing her back home for the last time. Reaching home I was lost in the crowd that gathered at my house. I barely could see or recognize faces of who was there. I was just “LOST”. Soon people were giving their last respect and got to “see” and kiss my mom for the last time. And soon she was driven to the nearby mosque to be given her last blessing and to be prayed by all her loved ones.

I was at home lost and crying my heart out in my room. However, I truly appreciate EVERYONE that came to the mosque to pray for her safe return to the arms of ALLAH.  I learned from families that there were hundreds of people at the mosque. What makes me sad but proud was when I found out that a lot of my friends and their families were at the mosque giving their last respect for my mom. And even more touching was some of the friends and their families that came were people that I have encountered throughout my life and even though we weren’t even close they took time out of their schedule to be there. For that may Allah bless all of your souls…!!

After ZUHUR prayers, my mum was safely buried at the Muslim cemetery located in USJ21. A small crowd showed up to give their last respects and help to lay her to rest in the ground where her body will lay in peace and her soul be set free. It was nice to see familiar faces, close families and even my husbands side of the family also came to give their prayers to her.

That night, at the Surau beside my house a tahlil (prayers for passed souls) was organized and friends and families from all around who couldn’t make it during the day came to pray, berzikir (religious chanting) and wished condolences to the families,. I was still in the state of shocked. Since it was almost 30hours plus since I last slept or ate anything, my body just couldn’t take it and I just collapsed into a silence nightmare of awareness. Neither sleeping nor awake, I was in limbo….

The next few days was the hardest cause I would always want to call my moms hand phone asking what she wants to eat or for me to bring her anything (a reflex as it was a routine phone call for the past 3 months),I would constantly think of going to the hospital to visit her.. And I would sometimes think I could still hear her calling my name. Soon, the emptiness will always filled me with tears when reality hits that she will never be with me ever again. This limbo feeling hit my whole family. It took us a  few weeks to really grasp what had happened. The support from my Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, my in-laws, my hubby and my family especially my brother gave me the strength to make it through the hard times. My brother and I bonded and became much closer then we were because of this situation…=)..

Next month would be the 1year anniversary of her passing. As much as I miss her, I know she is in a better place. She is no longer suffering, struggling or in pain. Which, I would prefer rather then for her to be alive but in constant pain. I hope she is looking down on us and is proud of how we all turned out. May Allah rest your soul Mama. You will always and forever remain in my heart. Whenever I look in the mirror, it will always bring me warmth that there’s a little piece of you within me. I hope to one day to grow up to be like YOU….

I miss you… I love you….

You are truly the warrior and QUEEN of my heart..!!

~ Al-Fathihah ~

The Warrior and Queen is my Life.... - Part IV-

{Continued from Part III}

I believe and want to believe that for the duration of her hospitalization and her sickness that I did my best for her.

Since I was working at the time, I truly appreciate my company ForeFront Studio (FFS) and Keation Corporation for allowing to me take time off whenever I needed too. They were soo gracious as allowing me to go home early almost everyday for me to make it in time to see my mom everyday before the visiting hours finish. From Ara Damansara to HUKM it would take me almost 1-2 hours to reach, depending on the evening traffic. Being Kuala Lumpur and federal highway, it’s always jammed up and traffic can back up for miles longs. Mama would feel bad that I am jeopardizing my work to come and see her, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My family and I had a schedule, on whom and what time someone to be there. Since I was working, I would take the evening shift, my brother would take the noon shift, and whenever my dad could he’ll take the morning shift. During the weekends we’ll trade shifts around, so everyone would also have time for themselves to get other things done…

Mama was always happy to have us all around, I truly appreciate everyone that came by to visit her from my husband (then boyfriend), my In-laws, my best friend Aiman, hubby’s best friend Helmi@Gary, relatives, my mom’s colleagues and even her friends came to visit her and this always made her feel happy . She was most touched when my aunts and uncle and even my grandma from my fathers side came down ALL the way from Singapore. She made me promise never to call and “menyusahkan” anyone especially my dad’s side, but in this case I just had too. As it’s a family matter and it was serious. It’s the one thing now I looked back and I know I did the right thing. As that was the last time my grandma “BABA” got so see my mom….

Every time I was with her, all we do is talk, talk and talk.. hahaha… Non stop gossiping and sharing of all the things we would one day do together … And all the things she wanted to do and would do when she gets out of the hospital. Since I was planning for my wedding in November, she would advice me a lot on marriage, patients and savings. It gave me hope that she was going to be there. And I was hoping that she was going to be …=)…  On Sunday, all she wanted was to take a bath. So I gave her a bath and changed her diaper. We talked for a while and I waited for her to sleep and kissed her goodbye and left to go home for the night.

On Monday afternoon, I got a call from my brother that the doctor needed a family member to be at the hospital at night. Since I have slept over a few times, I assume it was the routine sleepover. I went back home like any other day and packed things for my overnight at the hospital. What awaits me at the hospital was soo scary, my mom was moved from the normal ward to the ICU. Her health was deteriorating, and she didn’t look so good. She could barely open her eyes and barely could utter any words. But when u spoke to her, she would acknowledge by mumbling, moving her fingers or even grasping tighter whosever hand she was holding.

That evening I called Singapore to inform that her health had gone for the worse and just to let then know the situation. I also called her close friends (colleagues) and families even my in-laws came to see her. That night everyone sat, waited and prayed hard for her to make it through the night. Even though I know it was bad, I still felt that it’ll be ok. That night 2 of my aunts from Singapore was at the hospital. Learning how bad it was, they rushed on the earliest flight they could to reach the hospital to see my mother. Since they didn’t allow more than 2 people to sleepover at the hospital, I and hubby volunteered since I was packed and ready for it.  Everyone went back and my aunts followed my dad back home.

The next day came, and everyone was happy that she made though the night. Even though she wasn’t responding much but doctors were saying that she was stable and that she will make it. That day my aunts, dad and brother took care of her. While hubby and I went back and got some rest and sleep. That evening I came alone to take care of my mother during the night. This was the night I will never forget….

                                              { to be continued in Part V }

The Warrior and Queen is my Life.... - Part III -

{Continued from Part II }

We were all in the state of shock. But knowing how serious it has become, everything went overdrive.  Everyone was trying their best to help my mom and make her everyday living as stress free and as easy on her as we all could.

We soon moved my single day bed downstairs, so she didn’t have to go up and down the stairs as much as some days even moving for her is like torture. She will get cramps so bad that all she could do was lie down and just control her breathing to lessen the pain but always with tears in her eyes. There were moments that we would moan and growl aloud as the pain was too hard for her to bare. And the worst feeling any human, child or anyone can feel is, HELPLESS-ness. And that’s how my whole family felt… =(.. We were totally helpless, as we couldn’t do anything to make it better for her.

Everything she does was torture for her, She couldn’t pass motion… couldn’t eat… couldn’t sleep properly… Everything was like a nightmare for her. And we as her kids, it broke our hearts just to see her so weak, helpless and crying all the time.

There were times the pain and ordeal was just too much for her. She would lock herself in her room and all we could her were sniffles, crying and painful moans. And in those moments, she doesn’t want anyone around her. So, my brother and I would leave our bedroom door open and our ears peeled for any calls or indication that she needed us. Which either one of us would go running and assist her with anything that she needed.

However, in June she had to be hospitalised at HUKM as they had to do regular checkups to monitor the cancer. And soon Dr. suggested my mom to start her chemotherapy, which my mom was scared as she was afraid of losing hair and with everyone telling her stories of other negative account of the chemotherapy.. She was in dilemma on whether to go thru with it or not. With the advice and moral support from my Aunts, she decided that she wants to go thru with the chemotherapy.

The saddest thing for me was that, during her time in the hospital, she wanted to eat or drink things that we healthy people took for grated. Examples like cendol, fried mee/kueyteow/meehoon, crunchy vegetables and basically almost all food groups. She couldn’t eat or swallow anything. The only thing her body would allow her to eat was porridge and soups, and the only “lauks” she can eat were the gravy of anything. Even that she could only swallow a few spoonfuls at each meal. She has always been a foodie like me, but seeing her long for things she could not have was heartbreaking. As she would tell me stories of the places she’s been in her life and good food that she enjoyed, and how she wished for anything to be able to do and eat things that she forbid herself to have all these years. And I truly regret not spending my free time, taking her out and even taking her places that she wants to go. My reasons were always NO time and NO money, oh how I wish I could take it all back and gave HER anything and everything I could. *sigh* teary*regret*

After a week or two being in the hospital, the symptoms got sooo bad that soon her body couldn’t control her bowel motions. Her body would just go at odd times and at any moment. That was when we had to start her with adult diapers. At first she would decline and said she could go on without it, but pretty soon she had to use it whether she like to or not. In the beginning she preferred to wear it herself, as the symptoms worsen soon the nurses has to help her and I slowly learn how to as well. It broke my heart to see my mother being embarrass to ask me to help her. Soon she began telling me stories of how I was with diapers when I was younger, and soon she was ok and comfortable with me changing her diapers.

With all the tubes and wires attached to her body, it was hard for her to take baths at water CANNOT be in contact with the tubes and wires. And with being the only daughter, soon I took charge for bathing my mother. It brought tears to my eyes, when I think back at how happy she was, after each time that I shampoo and wipes her with scented shower gels. She was soo grateful, that It made me feel guilty. It was my responsibility to help her, and I do. But seeing that small things that I NOW do means soo much to her, it just made me realize all the years that I took HER for granted.

I have appreciated all she has ever done for me, but the last 2-3 months of taking care of her I was really aware how little I do for her. And that will always be something I will regret and will 

haunt me for the rest of my life…. =(

{ to be continued in Part IV}

The Warrior and Queen is my Life.... - Part II -

{Continued from Part I }

Me and my boyfriend has been dating for the past 7 years, although my mom was at first reluctant for me to be in a serious committed relationship with an older guy when I was just 18 years old. Not because she didn’t approve of the guy, it was because she doesn’t want me getting too serious or married at a young age. After a almost seven years of seeing me genuinely happy with my boyfriend. She finally breach the subject of marriage , after suggesting and agreeing to meet with His parents in February we were soon in agreement that the wedding will be held at the end of the year in November . I was ecstatic but was flustered at how soon the month was approaching.

With the planning in progress and excitement building up , my mom slowly express the concern that the symptoms of her 2009 cancer was haunting her and the pain and aches were similar as it was years ago .  In April of 2011, she frequented HUKM with concerns she was having that the cancer is back. The nurses without checking her medical history at HUKM told my mum that the symptoms that she was having was because of the result of Menopause.

Only after harsh persistent from my brother and I, to one of the doctors in charge, only then my mom’s medical history was looked into and only then they took a better examination of her. In May, we got back the results of all the blood test, x-rays and whatever results of test they did on her body. The news was devastating, after 4 years of coming for regular check-up’s , pep smear and whatever blood test at HUKM and not once was the result a negative one. The result came back negative of all accounts, from a stupid comment of it being “result if menopause” suddenly became a nightmare for the whole family… The cancer was back had already escalated to a stage four cancer with the cell already covered her lungs, liver, basically her whole upper body.

This time I was ready and aware my part in my family, I was with my mom when we got the bad news. My heart dropped and relieving that moment back at the doctor’s office when we got the bad news bringing tears to my eyes, made my palms cold and clammy as it was at that moment. The look my mom HAD will forever haunt me. Her disbelief of the news after coming for regular checkups , eating all her medication, taking care of what she ate and drink (beside the one-in-a-while treats she gave herself) , doing all and everything the doctors ever told her to do .. She had a hard time understanding where it went wrong. Everyone was…

{ to be continued in Part III }

The Warrior and Queen is my Life.... - Part I -

She is one of the strongest women i know. She is beautiful, awesome, caring, strong and  independent. She taught me well. She has been the rock everyone holds on to and been the rainbow in every storm. She has been a great obedient daughter, a great aunt, a loyal and respectful wife and a very loving and nurturing mother. She has endured a lot in her life, the universe has thrown a lot of curve ball in her and yet builds her strength to stand up and walk again.

The first major setback she had was when she was diagnose with a stage 2 ovarian cancer back in 2009. That shook us all, her immediate family, extended family members and friends. But she over come it and proceed to do and overcome her radiotherapy. It was hard for her, and with the help of my beloved aunts and uncle who have given her sooo much strength and support, she overcome the demon that was her cancer and stood back on her feet and proceed to live life the way she wants it and enjoyed to her hearts desire.

When she first was hit and recovered from this disease, I honestly and truthfully didn’t know how to act, react and assist her. Whether, I was ignorant, heartless or just plain stupid… I didn’t do much to help her overcome it, I blame the “She-didn’t-ask-me-to” attitude in me. If she never asked or tell me to do.. I wouldn’t even do anything. I was the useless daughter. I focus on work and just let go of the reality of the situation and went and stayed in my own “everything’s-ok” land.

As far as I knew she looked ok, besides being tired at times, I was only aware that she cooked, cleaned, and didn’t everything as though nothing happened. This was the useless daughter that I was. I didn’t help with much if the chores, even her doctor’s appointment I didn’t even bother to know or even asked if she wanted me to accompany her.
Either I’ve forgotten, want to forget or just being ignorant on the fact that my mum just overcome the stage 2 cancer. I was oblivious with the situation. I was happy living whatever “happy life “I thought I was having. Surrounding myself with friends, works and busying myself with unimportant things rather than having moments of understanding what my mum was going through. ....

{continued on Part 2)

Blooming ....

Since my mom is not feeling well, i decided to cheer her up with some flowers. And my friend Sharin has been raving about this flowers names Casablanca and  how its huge when its blooms( as big as our faces ), and how the smell will be all over the house.

 Rather then buying flowers from a any florist or vendor. She recommended me to buy straight from the whole seller. And so since we had a company photo shoot ( corporate video for a client), we had to go to the whole seller somewhere in Petaling Street (chinatown) in Kuala Lumpur..=).

The last time i actually step foot in Petaling street was waaayyy back in school, to buy things and props for my Cheerleading team with the Cheer caption.  We bought our Adidas superstar shoes  that looks like the original for rm60. Imagine girls age 16 bargaining at Petaling street haha.. The open price was rm 110.. lolz.. but we were happy...

Back to the story.. haha ... Upon reaching the vendor, Sharin and i went our separate ways, cause to look for the required flowers we needed for the shoot and for me to pick up some flower for my mom. They were just TOO many to choose from... So my friend Sharin recommended me taking Casablanca which was from the Lily family. And boy, it was soooo cheap there!! At a normal florist, they will charge according to flower, per flower will range about Rm4.50-7.50. But here a whole bunch of stocks that has about 25-27 flowers cost about Rm25 only.

Sharin ends up buying 2 types of roses for the shoot and  orchids which has been plucked and bundled up in a plastic bag ready to be use for flower baths, corsage and decoration. =)... With all our lovely flowers we headed back to the showroom to make use of the flowers. However , not all flowers were used. So they still had quite a lot of stems of roses left.. but nobody wants to bring it back as it was covered with thorns.

What people dont seem to understand is.. In order to enjoy the beauty of roses, we first have to 'Tame' the thorns... hahaa .. lolz.. Anyways, I brought back all the unused roses and cleared of all the thorns. By the time i reach home i cleaned them and put them in vases and leave it on the kitchen table for my mom to find them the next morning.

She was sooo happy with the flowers.. as the roses were so delicate and beautiful to look at and the Casablanca were slowly 'waking up'.. and blooming... =)... Enjoy the beauty of nature and bring a smile to someone with a simple yet beautiful gift as flowers. We don't have to go to the florist and buy the most expensive bouquet there... but just surprise someone you ♥ with a sunflower, roses, orchids, lily's or any flowers u personally like..!! Enjoy the Beauty of nature...!!

Happy Mothers day 2011 !!

Every year in the month of May , the whole world would gather and celebrate their birth by celebrating Mother's all over the Universe...=). I know we should celebrate and be grateful for our mothers everyday. However, having a special day to celebrate Mother's day besides their birthday is also awesome. So we can shower them extra love twice a year..=)

Every year my brother and I, will find ways to find gifts to surprise my mom . She is everything to us . But one things is that customary is the Mothers Day dinner...=).. For the past 2 years, she has been repeatedly hinting that she wanna try Victoria Station steak ... And this year.. *tadaaa!!!!* Alhamdulillah, my dad treat all of us to....VICTORIA STATION!!!=)..

We have always heard of the restaurant, however we all have never really been there nor eaten there before. So its was an amazing treat for all of us to have a chance to dine at the place. The first thing that i kinda like of the place was the fact that it was inspired by UK subway station by the same name 'Victoria Station'. So the insides was divided into three sections, at both corners was a train carriage inspired with dining layout.

Because i had made reservations earlier, we were able to cut the cue and proceed to the available table inside one of this compartments. This was when i notice that the place was kinda cramp but comfortable enough to enjoy the meal. I notice that the pricelist of the food was ok-ok, some were affordable but mostly it was on the pricey side. And when we placed our orders, it took them about 10 mins to arrive.I know.. i know.. if it arrives late we complain... too early we still complain. lolz..

However, for it to come about 10 mins after we just ordered, it kinda showed that it was precooked and was just heated up before putting it out to be sent to us. And with the price compared to the portion, it was kinda disappointing. However, luckily it was my fathers treat, and with that i dont think i will ever go back there again. =)... With that pricelist i think i could find other places that has better steak which is more satisfying and yummilicious..!!

After dinner, my bother decided to treat all of us to Baskin Robbin ice-cream at Taipan.  Wow, The flavour of the month is sooo yummy..!!! I forgot the name of the flavour , however its sooooo yummilicous, it has coconut and caramel coated nuts...!! Me and my mum both enjoyed it very much . Guess the girls has the sweet caramel tooth and the boys all enjoyed double chocolate and coffee something..!! lolz.. That just made the day end sooo awesome...=)

We siblings even slipped i some cam-whoring session. Heheheh... 

Thats how the family celebration ended for the night..

I absolutely ♥ ♥ ♥ all of them sooo much.!!

~ Me Love Quiche ~

Hehehe, Have you ever heard of Quiche ?? Do you know what is quiche? Lolz, its kinda like an open savoury tart with a rich custard filling topped with chicken, onion, cheese,spinach etc.. and all any other topping you desire...=).

Last weekend my mom and I made roast chicken, roasted potatoes  and steamed cauliflower for dinner..=).. Wow, yummilicious...!!! Since we were cooking, we also decided to make quiche. The best thing about baking quiche is that , we can bake it today and enjoy it for days later...=)... 


What me and my mom love to do, is raid the fridge for any vegetable that is a fortnight away from going bad...=)... Save what we can and no wastage...=)...*winkzz* ... Since we had a lot of vegetables, we decided to make a vegetarian quiche.... um.. Awesome...!!


What we decided to put into the quiche was, fresh button mushrooms, brocolli,capsicum, tomatoes, garlic and onions... First we chopped and dice all the vegetable and stir fry it so that its cooked and ready to be baked. of course not forgetting to season it well...=)



 While i was cutting, dicing and frying all the vegetable..My mom rolled out the dough that she had prepared earlier..*secret recipe*..lolz, Then mix eggs, milk and cream together to form a light custard mixture.. leave it aside. Grate any cheese you prefer and leave it aside. We prefer Cheddar or mozzarella..=).. Cheesie!!

After rolling the dough ,we molded it into the baking pan .We poke some holes in to the dough but not reaching the pan. Just on the surface of the dough just so it cooks faster and equally. Then we bake it first till its golden brown and cooked thoroughly. Even my kitty cat Samson wants to help hahaha ...=)

Then we scoop the pre-cooked vegetables and level it off in the pan. Next we poured the custard like mixture on top and top it off with cheese... then we bake and wait.. wait and wait.... hehehe ... and This is how it look when its done ... Yummilicious indeed!!!


While everything was done, we basked our chicken with olive oil, herbs and spices. Cut potatoes and carrots and roast everything together... and My -oh-my... hehehe It turned out great.. healthy, yummy and 
fulfilling..!!!! hehehe ... Well, this was our weekend dinner. Btw, we dont really do this every weekend... Once in a while we do make it special...=)... 

Its not the food that makes it special, Its the people you share it with..!!.=)  

samson was as busy staring at us preparing food... It was his way of helping... lolz..  hahaha 

And i LOVE my Family...!!..=)

~ Our lovely kitties Part 3 ~

Samson & me

1st Batch

1st Batch

2nd Batch

GIGI

For those of you who have been reading my blog, would know my whole family ♥ Cats!! hehehe, and well, we recently added a new kitty to our family...=).... And boy is he awesome. If u noticed majority of my cats r all male's. We have nothing against gender of the cats ..lolz...Its actually a coincident but we love them regardless.=).

3rd batch

3rd Batch

Lolz, truthfully i dont know ... how many times in average does a cat be pregnant?? Cause with the way my fiancé's cat is producing litters she could be open her own business and make good money for it too. hehehe, she has been producing awesomely cute kittens. Guess she knows how to pick em'! JIJI@GIGI@JieJie, i prefer to use GG is a black Persian cat...=)... Blacky grey fur with black mischievous and devious eyes...=)... But she is soo lovable, hugable and just plain sexy that male cats cant keep their paws of Her ...=).

Samson

me and Samson

Well, She must have been working time and sneaking out sooo much that she has produced 3 litters of kittens for the past 1 year plus. Lolz, Arent we proud of our cats... lolz...*joking*... Anyways, as much u wann be mad, she has produced sooo many kittens and all are awesome cute , smart and just lovable. And the 1st and 2nd batch have successfully found loving home..=)

Samson on me ...=)

The third batch arrived about 1 month ago... hehhe and oooo, they r just sooo cute...!!! hehehe... And since simba left us... My mom had a hard time even thinking of taking in a new cat... but however... after taking a look of the adorable batch... Her heart starts to open up and so we adopted a new family member.. Thinking at first that it was a female, turns out to be a male.. Lolz.. aint that funny... Anyway's, my mom was contemplating between Sinbad and Sushi. If u can see... 

Samson on mama

After getting Smokey... all out cats names suddenly started with an "S". ... At last we decided no names him SAMSON...!! hehehe .... dunno how the name came to be.. but its sassy, its tough and a warrior name suitable with his fun spirit, tough and taking no shit from the other 3 adult cats in the house.. Samson my heart.!!!=)

Sleeping with samson...My baby and me...=)...