{Continued from Part
II }
We were all in the
state of shock. But knowing how serious it has become, everything went
overdrive. Everyone was trying their
best to help my mom and make her everyday living as stress free and as easy on
her as we all could.
We soon moved my
single day bed downstairs, so she didn’t have to go up and down the stairs as
much as some days even moving for her is like torture. She will get cramps so
bad that all she could do was lie down and just control her breathing to lessen
the pain but always with tears in her eyes. There were moments that we would
moan and growl aloud as the pain was too hard for her to bare. And the worst
feeling any human, child or anyone can feel is, HELPLESS-ness. And that’s how
my whole family felt… =(.. We were totally helpless, as we couldn’t do anything
to make it better for her.
Everything she does was
torture for her, She couldn’t pass motion… couldn’t eat… couldn’t sleep
properly… Everything was like a nightmare for her. And we as her kids, it broke
our hearts just to see her so weak, helpless and crying all the time.
There were times the
pain and ordeal was just too much for her. She would lock herself in her room
and all we could her were sniffles, crying and painful moans. And in those
moments, she doesn’t want anyone around her. So, my brother and I would leave
our bedroom door open and our ears peeled for any calls or indication that she
needed us. Which either one of us would go running and assist her with anything
that she needed.
However, in June she
had to be hospitalised at HUKM as they had to do regular checkups to monitor
the cancer. And soon Dr. suggested my mom to start her chemotherapy, which my
mom was scared as she was afraid of losing hair and with everyone telling her
stories of other negative account of the chemotherapy.. She was in dilemma on
whether to go thru with it or not. With the advice and moral support from my
Aunts, she decided that she wants to go thru with the chemotherapy.
The saddest thing for
me was that, during her time in the hospital, she wanted to eat or drink things
that we healthy people took for grated. Examples like cendol, fried
mee/kueyteow/meehoon, crunchy vegetables and basically almost all food groups.
She couldn’t eat or swallow anything. The only thing her body would allow her
to eat was porridge and soups, and the only “lauks”
she can eat were the gravy of anything. Even that she could only swallow a
few spoonfuls at each meal. She has always been a foodie like me, but seeing
her long for things she could not have was heartbreaking. As she would tell me
stories of the places she’s been in her life and good food that she enjoyed,
and how she wished for anything to be able to do and eat things that she forbid
herself to have all these years. And I truly regret not spending my free time,
taking her out and even taking her places that she wants to go. My reasons were
always NO time and NO money, oh how I wish I could take it all back and gave
HER anything and everything I could. *sigh* teary*regret*
After a week or two
being in the hospital, the symptoms got sooo bad that soon her body couldn’t
control her bowel motions. Her body would just go at odd times and at any
moment. That was when we had to start her with adult diapers. At first she
would decline and said she could go on without it, but pretty soon she had to
use it whether she like to or not. In the beginning she preferred to wear it
herself, as the symptoms worsen soon the nurses has to help her and I slowly
learn how to as well. It broke my heart to see my mother being embarrass to ask
me to help her. Soon she began telling me stories of how I was with diapers
when I was younger, and soon she was ok and comfortable with me changing her
diapers.
With all the tubes
and wires attached to her body, it was hard for her to take baths at water
CANNOT be in contact with the tubes and wires. And with being the only
daughter, soon I took charge for bathing my mother. It brought tears to my
eyes, when I think back at how happy she was, after each time that I shampoo
and wipes her with scented shower gels. She was soo grateful, that It made me
feel guilty. It was my responsibility to help her, and I do. But seeing that
small things that I NOW do means soo much to her, it just made me realize all
the years that I took HER for granted.
I have appreciated
all she has ever done for me, but the last 2-3 months of taking care of her I
was really aware how little I do for her. And that will always be something I
will regret and will
haunt me for the rest of my life…. =(
{ to be continued in Part IV}
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